Choosing Your Village: A Timeless Guide to Building Your Support Network
Originally published December 2011 | Updated September 2025
A Note from Tracy, September 2025:
I wrote this piece nearly 14 years ago, and it remains one of my most-referenced posts. As we observe National Recovery Month this September, I'm reminded that recovery isn't limited to overcoming addiction—it's about recovering from burnout, toxic relationships, and the patterns that keep us small. In our hyper-connected yet often lonely world, the need for intentional community has never been more critical.
A note on language: In my original post, I used the word "tribe" throughout. Over the years, I've learned more about cultural appropriation and the sacred significance of tribal identity to Indigenous communities. I've made mistakes in this area and continue to learn. Going forward, I'm choosing to use "village" or "inner circle" instead—words that honor the concept of intentional community without appropriating terminology that belongs to specific cultures. I hope you'll join me in this more thoughtful approach.
Whether you're a healthcare practice owner navigating the complexities of leadership, a professional rebuilding after burnout, or simply someone seeking more meaningful connections, the principles in this post remain as relevant today as they were in 2011. Perhaps even more so.
"Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family: Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one." – Jane Howard
We are born or adopted into a family, and we do not choose that family, for better or for worse. We do, however, subsequently surround ourselves with people we choose – our village, our inner circle. We have all heard the phrase, "It takes a village to raise a child." I believe this to be true. I also believe it takes something more specific and specialized than a village to raise a person to his, her or their greatness; it takes an intentional community. We attract, assemble and nurture this village and it lifts us up, guides us, carries, pushes or pulls us as necessary. Even more important, our village creates a safe environment for self-empowerment. My village has lifted me up more than once, continues to support me, and continues to grow.
A healthy village has one very clear understanding: no judgement. This mentality is one of love, support, acceptance, empowerment, growth, celebration and becoming our highest selves – individually, and as a community. Together we overcome many obstacles. We push, pull or coax one another into the next phase (when assistance is needed and sought); we till soil, plant seeds, fertilize, water and tend a glorious spring harvest of ideas, new thought patterns and personal growth – yielding brighter, funnier, happier, sexier people. Who doesn't want to be all of those things?
On Selecting Your Village
Choose wisely. My parents used to tell me and my sister to choose friends wisely; that water seeks its own level. As a rebellious teenager, I was resistant to this message, but as an adult, those words ring true for me. If water seeks its own level and if the caliber of our friends is lower than what we would like, then we are either projecting something other than our values or it is time to take an honest inventory of where we are, our thoughts, and what we accept.
Are you walking your talk? More importantly, what are you tolerating? Do you have friends who drain you emotionally? Do you avoid returning correspondence with certain friends because of this drain? Does the thought of spending time with this friend light you up or dim the light? Remember YOU are in-charge of your energy, you choose if you want the drain plugged or un-plugged. You decide how to spend your time and energy. Are you spending wisely?
The digital dimension: In 2025, our villages extend beyond physical proximity. Social media has given us unprecedented access to like-minded individuals, but it's also created new challenges. Ask yourself: Do your online connections inspire you or trigger comparison? Are you curating a digital village that reflects your values, or are you staying connected out of obligation or fear of missing out?
Do you think nice things about yourself? Do you catch yourself making self-deprecating remarks, even if "just kidding"? What thoughts run through your mind when you look in the mirror? Do you feel jealous of other people? Do you find yourself judging others? Chances are, if you do even a little of this AND you experience draining relationships, it is time to push your reset button.
If water seeks its own level and we want healthy relationships within our village, then we must first get right with ourselves and be healthy in all aspects of our lives. Take good care of your physical, emotional and spiritual health. Nourish your body with high-quality foods, maintain proper hydration, get enough sleep, be kind to yourself, and make sure you carve-out "me" time every day, even if for a few minutes to check-in.
Once you are right with yourself, you automatically become more attractive and the right kind of people are drawn to you. If you do not believe me, try this: recite an empowering, positive affirmation about yourself five times before you leave your house, let it sink-in, and watch how people respond to you. Wear your favorite color, allow yourself to feel great wearing it, and let that shine. Walk slowly and take notice of people taking notice of you; they will be drawn to that "je ne sais quoi," that "something special" they see in you.
Know When to Reach Out
There are times in life when we really need someone to be there for us. We might need a sounding board, a shoulder to cry on or simply to know that someone is thinking of us. It takes courage and strength to ask for help. We have been conditioned to be independent and we have taken it to the extreme, somehow thinking that it is "bad" or "weak" to need help, let alone ask for it. Asking for support is one of the most graceful forms of strength.
Recovery wisdom: As we recognize National Recovery Month, we're reminded that asking for help isn't just strength—it's often the first step toward reclaiming our lives. Whether recovering from addiction, burnout, toxic relationships, or simply patterns that no longer serve us, reaching out to our village becomes essential for healing and growth.
Know When to Step Back
You may encounter situations when you need to step back from your friends or family because you need to take a part of the journey on your own. Just as we need to know when to ask for help, we also need to know when to give it a go on our own, knowing that our friends, family and loved ones will always be there for us.
You may also find times when a loved one is slipping into a pattern of neediness or negativity that is unhealthy for you. This is a time to love yourself enough to put the plug in the drain and conserve your energy for yourself. This act of love not only serves you, but it also serves the other party and those who depend upon you. Sometimes the greatest gift we can offer is "tough love" in the form of loving space. Knowing your limits and lovingly respecting your own boundaries is of vital importance to your overall health and that of your village.
Practice Compassion
"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." – Dalai Lama
When we first practice compassion with ourselves, we are better equipped to have patience, understanding and respect for ourselves and others. Be kind to yourself, say nice things to yourself, think pleasant thoughts about yourself; share those thoughts with your energy, heart and words.
The ripple effect: In our interconnected world, the quality of our inner village directly impacts every other area of our lives—our work, our leadership, our ability to serve others. When we surround ourselves with people who champion our growth while loving us exactly as we are, we become capable of offering that same gift to others.
Reflection Questions for 2025:
Who in your current circle energizes you versus drains you?
What boundaries do you need to establish or strengthen?
How are you showing up as the kind of person you'd want in your own inner circle?
What patterns are you ready to recover from this month?
Remember: You are both the curator and the masterpiece of your village. Choose wisely, love fiercely, and never underestimate the power of intentional community.
Blessings. Gratitude. Love.
What resonates most with you from this post? I'd love to hear about your own inner circle-building journey—share your thoughts in the comments below.