I’m SO MAD! Re-direct your power to move forward

“When angry, count to four. When very angry, swear.” - Mark Twain Modern psychology tells us that anger is a secondary emotion rooted in an unmet need, or an immediate response to a primary emotion. It is a response to physical or psychological pain. Anger is powerful and can be used to a positive or negative end. When we feel angry, the brain downshifts to a lower emotional and evolutionary function. Anger is a survival tool that has evolved from the highly effective fight-or-flight response in primitive times when large animals posed a real threat to humans.

If anger is a survival tool, but a secondary response, how can we use it to benefit ourselves and those in our lives? In general I believe that we need to identify the feeling and work with it; but that is a bit simplistic. However, there is something to it. Rather than digging deep into your psyche, I would like to offer a way to re-program your response to anger, and help you re-direct your energy when you feel it lifting it’s head and rising in your body.

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” - Buddha

Repressed, prolonged anger is very unhealthy. Some studies show that anger can lead to a weakened heart and stiffening of the arteries. Liver and kidney damage and high cholesterol have been inked to prolonged anger. It can also cause accompanying issues, including depression and anxiety.

To protect your health and wellbeing, it is vitally important to understand your own triggers. Immediately preceding anger, you might feel:

• afraid
• attacked
• offended
• disrespected
• forced
• trapped
• pressured

This is a pretty good list to help you understand the origins of anger. When I look at the list of primary feelings, I see a common theme: loss of power. When I reflect upon my own anger, I see that when I feel angry, it is always associated with feeling powerless. In these moments, the fight-or-flight response kicks in and I feel my heart rate increase, tension building in my body and the need to strike out or get away from the situation or person that has caused this feeling. I openly admit that I do not always practice what I am about to preach, but every time I do, I feel empowered and in control of my own emotional wellbeing. If you want to feel better, be more in control of your overall wellbeing, then try the following when you feel angry:

Stop Everything. Take Mark Twain’s advice: take a breath and count. This will help stop the trigger from taking full effect and traveling the same pathway as your old reaction. Re-direct your rapid response to the initial emotion, which probably stems from something in the list above. When you quickly stop the response, it gives you time to alter course. If your old emotional response is anger, denial, sadness or some other less productive means, this is an excellent start. If you do nothing more from here, you’ve already made an incredibly relevant change in your life.

Find an Outlet. You’ve counted to four, ten, one hundred, maybe even cursed... Now what? Perhaps the anger has built-up as tension in your body and you need to release it. Sometimes we need to move our body to “get it out.” Stop everything, announce (if appropriate) that you feel angry and need to get some fresh air, then go take a walk. You might feel like you need something more forceful than walking. Try punching pillows or a mattress. You might consider taking a boxing, kickboxing, martial arts, dance, yoga or bootcamp class.

If you are vocal and you need to let it out with your voice, scream into a pillow - a primal release. Your throat might feel a little sore, but you will release it. You may need need a more cerebral activity. Try singing, listening to music, writing, painting, drawing, meditating, or anything that brings you relief. Enroll in a class to learn something you’ve always wanted to learn. Perhaps you can find a cooking, art, music or writing class.

Practice Compassion. Be forgiving and patient - with yourself and others. Cut yourself some slack. Try seeing things thru the eyes of others, particularly when you feel angry toward someone. Imagine yourself behaving badly, ask yourself what might cause you to be rude, thoughtless, reckless, etc. Perfection is not the goal; feeling better is. Gaining an understanding of who you really are, having a say in the direction your life takes is what you want, isn’t it?

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” - Jalal ad-Din Rumi

Along the way, you will no doubt have moments when you want to place blame, stuff-down or externalize your feelings. You have been wronged, you feel a sense of injustice, someone has hurt you or someone you love. This is normal, and you are not alone. However, when you take a moment to stop your automatic, pre-programmed response to wrongdoing, you will begin to find your power. Your feelings will feel safer, you will have more control over your life and you will feel better.

If you take-up a new activity to fill-in the negative spaces with positive activities and thoughts that facilitate a new outlook, you will see your life open up before you. When you take yourself out of your old patterns, you are already making a positive change in your life. You have the power to do this. Re-direct one thought at a time. Rome was not built in day, and neither are healthy habits. You are a work in progress, and construction can sometimes be messy, loud and disruptive. However, if you keep your eye on the prize and recognize the small changes along the way, you will also experience the joys along the way.

Blessings. Gratitude. Love.

Supporting References:

http://science.howstuffworks.com/environmental/life/human-biology/anger2.htm

http://counselingdelosreyes.com/Anger_Management/Understand_Anger.htm

What to do When You Don't Know What to do: A helpful guide to decision making

“Never try to solve all the problems at once - make them line up for you one-by-one.”  - Richard Sloma Do you ever need to make a decision and feel stuck? Sometimes we have several decisions to make at once, or a larger problem that feels insurmountable, and all we want to do is crawl back into bed and pull the covers over our heads. Who has not been there? I sure have, at least once, and maybe even twice. OK, I have probably been there a lot more than twice, but I digress...

When we are faced with a problem or a very important decision, why is it that we often go into a state of panic, overwhelm, denial, blame, avoidance or procrastination? There are a number of possible reasons, including, but not limited to: fear, lack of self-confidence, buying-in to others’ influence (good, bad or indifferent) or a sincere lack of knowledge about the subject at hand. As a regular human being, I can say I’ve experienced all of the above, and even had a touch of that as recently as last week. As a success coach, however, I will pose the following for you to consider:

It is what it is. So what? Now what?

1. It is what it is. OK, ‘it’ has happened or presented itself. So there it is, in front of you, the elephant in the corner. You can close your eyes and pretend you don’t see it, but you already saw it, you can sense it, and you have an acute awareness of it’s presence. If it is an event from the past, then you are now facing it in the present. Whatever the case, accept that it is there; it just is.
2. So what? What do you want to do about ‘it’? Is it life-threatening? If so, you know what to do, right? Call 9-1-1, run away or protect yourself somehow. But, it is likely NOT threatening your life, and it is now time to decide what to do. How would you like the outcome to look? Is your desired outcome specific and realistic? Is it in-line with your core values? Decide what you really want to do about it.
3. Now what? What are you willing to do about it? What action steps are you willing to take right now to achieve the end you desire? Decide what you can and will do, then break it down and devise the plan to get to the end you picture.

Once you have worked your way thru the above thought process, now create momentum. Put your action plan into action. If the plan seems too grand, break it down into smaller steps, and then take the easiest or most logical step. If you still feel stuck, take a step back and examine with softer eyes; notice that it is not as large as you once perceived. So, with soft eyes and a smaller task at hand, take a step.

Still daunting? Work backward from the end result to where you are now and figure out what makes sense or what is easiest to do first, and then take a step. As Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, “One thing is sure. We have to do something. We have to do the best we know at the moment... If it doesn’t turn out right, we can modify as we go along.” You can always modify the plan if the trajectory ahead looks like it’s not going toward the end you envisioned, but you must get started.

As a recovering perfectionist, I have gotten caught-up many times in the process of analyzing the problem or the multiple possible solutions rather than doing something to pave the path to the solution, either for fear of failure, or quite possibly for fear of success. So, do something, anything to create momentum. You are smart, experienced and perfectly capable of changing course if you discover that the plan you execute is moving you in a direction that does not contribute to your overall wellbeing.

“You don’t drown by falling in the water; you drown by staying there.” - Edwin Louis Cole

One thing is certain: if you choose to stay in one place, you will remain in that place. If that is uncomfortably comfortable, then it is time to make a change, take the decision that feels right, or take the decision that feels uncomfortable and pushes you beyond your comfort zone. When you push yourself beyond your comfort zone, you will grow. How you envision your success will expand and you will begin to make decisions effortlessly, and the work will feel effortless, no matter how “hard” it is.

It’s not about a task “being easy” but the feeling of effortless draw as you begin to create momentum. Momentum is your friend, if you create it. There are times when we need to fix our eyes on the desired outcome, and that will propel us forward. However, there are plenty of times in life when we simply need to get started. The best way to get started is to think about and envision the goal, and then create a plan from there (and note that thinking about the outcome, envisioning the goal and creating the plan are steps taken, so you have already created momentum.) Once you have a plan, you can adjust as necessary, but in order to get anywhere near the finish line, you must take the necessary steps and keep going. Remember the “Little Engine That Could”? She kept moving forward, with a positive attitude, believing that she could do it, saying to herself, “I think I can...” Well, I KNOW you can, so put one foot in front of the other, create forward momentum and keep going.

When we become crystal clear about what we want, focus on creating the path, and then take the path, we can achieve anything.

Blessings. Gratitude. Love.

More Translations. Today: FML (hint, NOT Family Medical Leave...)

No, FML is not the "Family Medical Leave (Act)" though that would be more palatable, to be sure. FML, loosely translated, is "F__(orget) My Life" and it makes me cringe, A LOT! I want to teach you how to shift from frustration to powerful and happy thoughts...

So what do you do now? You’re having a bad moment/day/week/month/year. OK.

Remember me? I’m the Silver Lining Chick & Realist’s love child. So here’s the deal: If you feel like your life is out of control, throwing your hands up in the air is not the answer. It may feel good in the moment, but the second you say something like, "FML" or "Life Sucks" or "Bad things ALWAYS happen to me" or "It's ALWAYS SOMETHING", or “Things NEVER work for me!” guess what? You're right!!! You've informed every cell in your body that bad stuff is going to go down - always, and that informs your every thought and action. Yes, it does.

When life bites you in the rear, as it is occasionally, apparently entitled to do, here’s what you need to know for a quick turn-around:

1. STOP, drop and (let it) roll. No fire here. Just stop what you’re doing. Now. Stop.
2. Take charge of your thoughts. Stop what you’re thinking. If you are sitting, stand up. If you are standing, sit down or walk around. If you are holding something in one hand, switch hands. You have now interrupted the pattern.
3. Say these three letters and commit them to your new story memory:    CML = Command of My Life

That’s it. That is the Secret. You get to choose. You are in Command of your life. Simple as that. Change how you’re thinking. Is everything sunshine and lollipops? Well... I didn’t say that, remember there’s a lot of realist in me. But, when you change your thoughts and interrupt an old or negative thought pattern, you get to re-align your cognition (thoughts) and in doing so, you project your presence forward into the next set of thoughts, and then you feel differently, you behave differently, you choose differently, and you get different results.

Think, Einstein: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

So, flip the switch. Switch hands, stand up, sit down, stop, drop and roll. Interrupt the pattern. It’s a practice. Once you start and become consciously aware of interrupting the old and replacing with something new, you will create effortless momentum. Yes, it is that simple.

No more FML. No more “ALWAYS-NEVER” thoughts. If you catch it, flip it. That’s it.

Go, have fun and Take Command of Your Life. I think you’ll be glad you did!

Blessings. Gratitude. Love.

WTF Translated (hint: it’s not as bad as you think)

“The positive thinker sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.” ~ Unknown Do you ever find yourself thinking really negative thoughts? Have you ever been caught off-guard by something “bad” or a series of “bad stuff” seemingly stacking-up against you? Do you then you ask yourself, “WTF?” (loosely translated, “What in the world?!”)

I’m a huge fan of overcoming old stuff and re-writing the story, which you’ll occasionally hear me say this way: Time to update your story. We get to choose how we see things. While we cannot have control over our surroundings or things that happen around or to us, we can certainly control or re-direct our thoughts to make things better for ourselves.

In our first interview crafting her Vision of Success, a now graduated client told me, “I want to log in to my bank account and not ask myself, ‘WTF??!!’ I just want to feel relaxed about it all.” After we had a clear picture of what she wanted for her finances and other areas of life, I worked-in the WTF and re-directed it in a way to not only make her giggle, but to also feel good about where she was headed. You see, as a coach, I get to see your life from a different perspective, and I can see your potential ~ and it excites and inspires me to no end!

So, re-direct and re-work the proverbial “WTF” from its original meaning (again, loosely translated, “What in the world?!”) to this:

WTF = Well, That’s FANTASTIC!!

Every upset, every unpleasant surprise, every dollar we wish we had, brings us the opportunity to change how we see and experience our life circumstances. When we think in positive terms, we can see things we never saw before, feel things we were never able to feel and achieve things we once thought were impossible.

Am I saying that you should think in terms of sunshine and lolipops? Not at all... That would be so fake that your subconscious would laugh you right out of your own head. But if you ask yourself what you are learning, IF you could learn something, and how you can take it and make something good out of it, then you are likely to change not only the way you see things, but how you DO things.

Trust me.

It takes some work, a little mindfulness, a wee bit of “fake it ‘til you make it” mentality, but you will notice a change.

Here’s what you need to do when something goes awfully wrong:

1. Breathe. This is not only a sign of life, it will bring your blood pressure under control (really, it will) and help you pause for a moment before you toss the baby out with the bathwater
2. Ask questions. What am I learning? Is there a way to turn this into something good?
3. Trust yourself; you know more than you think you do. Know that you always know what’s best for you, so if you make a choice to see and do things differently, then you will, and it’ll ultimately turn out well (or at least teach you something you were meant to learn)

Having a positive attitude is only part of the picture, but this is a great start and will get you moving in the right direction. Next week I will teach you a way to shift the “FML” mentality to something more productive and positive. Until then, remember Well, that’s FANTASTIC! And you will at least laugh a little, if not make a positive change by thinking differently.

Life happens. Own it and make the best of it.

Blessings. Gratitude. Love.

Lookie!! What we see when we reflect

“Upon reflection, I see where I’ve gone right. Upon reflection, I see where I’ve gone wrong. Upon reflection, I recognize I’ve taken a number of leaps of faith - BIG, HUGE ones (yay me!) Upon reflection, I see myself in my parents, friends and family members. Upon reflection, I see myself in my children’s eyes.” ~ TLC We see parts of ourselves in everyone we meet, even when we meet someone we don’t care for much. So, rather than have visceral reactions to people who rub us the wrong way, we can ask ourselves what we see in them that bothers us, and if there is something we can learn to change or appreciate about ourselves in a different way.

I love this word: reflection. I love it because we can think, muse and take a look in the proverbial mirror. What do you see when you look in the mirror?

We can even reflect verbally. When someone’s words feel critical, how do you respond? Do you feel tension in your body? When you answer, do you get defensive? Rather than react, you can reflect: “Hmm...” (My favorite word!) “I’m hearing you say that you don’t appreciate (X) about the way I answered. Is that true?” Often people simply aren’t aware of their tone, but sometimes people passively, or not so passively, behave in an aggressive manner. When this is the case and you reflect back what you’ve heard, you are in a great position to possibly help someone learn something while protecting yourself and your integrity.

Do not engage. Just don’t...

A good friend taught me the “Q-TIP Method” of disengaging: Quit Taking It Personally. I use it a lot with my kids, and have learned that when there are people who seem hell-bent on sharing their opinions in ways that might not feel good to me, I think to myself, "Q-TIP!" and am able to smile inside and take a breath.

So, going back to when you say, “Hmmm,” know that you are effectively giving yourself a moment to switch to Q-TIP mode and disengage. Then, if you choose to reflect to the other person, you can do it in a way that is not offensive or rude; you are simply reflecting back what they’ve said to you.

Another method of reflection mirrors the thought for the week - consider this when observing nature outdoors, your own nature and that of others. Let your observation be diligent, your reflection profound and your experiments exact (in other words, take your time, observe, think, come up with a plan and THEN move forward).

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK:

“Our observation of nature must be diligent, our reflection profound, and our experiments exact. We rarely see these three means combined: and for this reason, creative geniuses are not common.” ~ Denis Diderot

I wish you the best week as you learn to enjoy your reflection, use the Q-TIP Method and create the best, most passion-filled life you ever dreamed of.

Blessings. Gratitude. Love.

Mind, Body & Spirit

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.”  ~ Teilhard de Chardin

In Western culture, we are now beginning to understand the importance of the physical, emotional and spiritual connectedness of overall personal wellness. I believe that in order to be well in one area - for example, physically - all other areas must also be well. How does one achieve this overall wellness?

Let’s break it down by category to give a brief overview of each, and then tie the three parts together to complete the picture.

Physical Wellness - Physical body, appearance, health, mental state: Food, quantity and quality of sleep, exercise, hydration, physical health, stress management, dis-ease prevention and management.

Emotional Wellness - Thoughts, self-love and appreciation, emotional intelligence: Self-reflection, self-perception, perception of others, communication, managing expectations and capacity to love unconditionally, forgive and experience gratitude.

Spiritual Wellness - Religion, faith, belief system: Meditation, prayer, journal writing, positive affirmations, positive thoughts, slowing down, deep breathing and time to oneself.

There are many schools of thought on the origins of dis-ease, but most can be traced to some form of physical tension or stress in the body, which is often caused or exacerbated by emotional distress or discomfort. Whether one believes that specific emotional distress causes specific physical ailments, we all understand that the effects of prolonged stress on the physical body and emotional state can be detrimental to health and wellbeing.

According to the Mayo Clinic, stress can significantly affect your body, mood and behavior. Stress can also contribute to headaches, muscle tension, high blood pressure, heart problems, diabetes, skin conditions, asthma, arthritis, depression, decreased libido, stomach upset, sleep disruptions, irritability, lack of motivation and focus, over- or under-eating, drug or alcohol abuse and anxiety.

Ensuring adequate nutrition, hydration, exercise and sleep is one way to relieve the stress of daily life. While tending to our physical needs, it is also very important to build our tribe of support around us to help us with our emotional needs. Developing a spiritual practice of regular prayer or meditation, deep breathing exercises and yoga or gentle stretching and energy work such as Reike, build the foundation for healing, restoration, and nourishing the body, mind and spirit.**

**As a coach and as a living human being, my approach to all areas of life is holistic in nature. I will only share insights that I believe to be helpful, reminding you to check-in with yourself, your physician or mental health care provider. Sometimes it takes a team of experts to bring us back into balance physically, emotionally and spiritually. When you have the right team in place, you are more likely to reach the level of success you desire. If you have not found answers to your questions, I highly encourage you to keep asking until you find an answer that provides a viable solution that not only meets you where you are, but takes you where you want to be in terms of your physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing.